November 13, 2015

Mexico's Most Wanted

In 3 weeks I'm heading to a lovely resort nestled somewhere between Cancun and Playa Del Carmen, and it seems my chances of slithering off this mortal coil during that time have increased exponentially this week.

If it isn't the Cartels jacking you at roadblocks, hepatitis from the ice cubes, malaria from the mosquitoes or low level thugs masquerading as cops, Mexico's newest and most notorious cold-blooded killer, is the dreaded hot tub.
In the immortal words of The Northern Pikes,
she ain't pretty she just looks that way.

Two Canadian tourists in Mexico seemed to have been electrocuted in one this past week, so I'll steer quite clear of the jacuzzi as I saunter by holding my obnoxious 39 ounce bubba keg filled to the god damn brim with all inclusive top-shelf scotch. Worse is that there tends to be a number of these lucrative looking tubs inconspicuously dotted around the resort grounds, so when I'm greasily shifting around in an attempt to work off the nineteen plates of barbecue ribs, eleven butter drenched lobster tails and four bowls of whip-cream topped chocolate ice cream, I'll need to be on high alert at all times...the second I get cut eye from just one, ahma gonna go all Dolph Lundgren up in that.

Indeed, it seems like the most pleasant things in life are what can creep up and kill ya...

Snakes, Trains and Automobiles

I shit you not. It's the sequel to the infamous Samuel L Jackson film, and it'll be a mashup of that movie's genre and the classic comedy with John Candy and Steve Martin, with a dash of the late John Hughes.

Google that shit.