October 25, 2015

See You Tonight

The title of this entry refers to the slogan of the Keg Steakhouse chain of restaurants. I like the Keg. It's reasonably priced, casual and the food's pretty good overall. I particularly enjoy heading to the Keg Mansion on Toronto's Jarvis street. It's like going back in time, given the enormous house once belonged to one of Toronto's most wealthy families - the Masseys.  It's also said to be haunted. When my wife and I head to the mansion, we always ask for a table in The Library, a fantastic little nook that is quieter than the rest of the beautiful, sprawling 2 level restaurant. But I digress.

Last night we decided to  have ourselves an evening at the Keg Mansion. In fact, our day was structured around it. We had to run some errands but we decided to take a long walk through the downtown core as well. We'd eventually make our way north east, first stopping for a cocktail at The Blake House, another mansion sized restaurant/bar on Jarvis (formerly The Red Lion). It too is a fine establishment. We sat in the bar area right beside a cozy wood-burning fireplace, and it was shaping up to be a lovely Saturday evening. I even had a $100 Keg gift card which made things just a smidge sweeter.

Finishing up our drinks we took the 5 minute walk to The Keg. I requested a table in The Library. Other tables were available but we were fine with waiting, and we happily headed upstairs to the bar, as it was to be approximately 45 minutes. Enjoying a glass of wine and conversation, the time flew and soon enough our little vibrating buzzy thing lit up. We were sat at the best table in The Library and ordered some appetizers first. We always order them separately from the mains so we can take our time and enjoy the evening on our schedule, not the restaurant's. We ordered a caesar salad to share and their jumbo shrimp cocktail. And, the complimentary ever delicious warm loaf of bread and butter was also delivered to our table.

As we readied to order our mains, the server came by. She mentioned that there might be a bit of a delay, since the kitchen had just lost all it's power. No problem we thought. We weren't in a rush. Shortly after that I headed to the men's room, and noticed that the place seemed to be getting quieter and when folks were leaving, new customers weren't being seated, which is a bizarre sight for one of Toronto's busiest restaurants, not to mention it was Saturday evening. Hordes of servers gathered chatting in the kitchen serving area, clearly not having anything to do.

Returning to my table, the manager appeared and mentioned that the kitchen was still without power, but not to worry - their on call electrician was on his way...from Whitby. He mentioned it would be about an hour before he might arrive, depending on traffic. Now I'm no high-falutin' CEO of a major restaurant chain, but me thinks it might not be a bad idea to line up a 24-hour emergency electrical firm that is not a billion miles away from the centre of Canada's universe. We're not in some podunk dustbowl here. This is downtown fucking Toronto...in prime fucking time.

But, I thought it best not to make a big fuss, so I slowly pulled the steak knife away from the manager's throat. After all, it wasn't his fault he's a bumbling jackass who couldn't organize a piss up a rope.  As I placed the knife back on the table, I straightened my tie and calmly sat back down. "See that steak knife?", I asked the manager. "Yes sir. Yes I do", he replied shakily. "Do you know what should be sitting beside that steak knife?", I enquired. "A steak, sir?" I snapped back: "You're goddamn right...a goddamn steak is goddamn right!".

At this, the manager cleared his throat and mentioned that our Keg sized 9oz glasses of wine and Keg jumbo cocktail shrimp were on the house, and he even offered to wrap up the remaining bit of Keg complimentary bread.

See you tonight my ass.

October 2, 2015

Apple Wants To Murder Me

Aside from partaking in necessary adult activities like paying my mortgage and attending neighbourhood association meetings, I very much consider myself a big kid, which I believe keeps me youthful. There are, however,  perhaps less desirable characteristics of this attitude towards life. Fortunately I'm not referring to my chronic use of a soother - I do that for completely different reasons.

I'm talking about bedtime stories.

When retiring for the evening, I often find that my mind is racing, focused on the hullaballoo of the work day. This makes it difficult to get to sleep. So, what I do is go out to the streets and bring in elderly homeless people to read to me in bed. Well, I'm in bed..they're just sitting on the bed. They're nude, but they're not under the covers or anything.
Some lonely person spent a lot of time
on this in photoshop.

But sometimes, the local hobos can't be found - perhaps they're off to some low-level caper. In these instances I have to resort to entertaining myself to help me sleep. Thus, I will often throw in the earbuds and listen to old-timey radio shows or podcasts, and I eventually fall asleep. Therein lies the problem.

When I wake up either to go to the bathroom or start the day, I find myself partially strangulated by my iPhone's earbud wires. Being unconscious and twisting and turning throughout the night, the wires will do their wicked deed and creep around my neck, much like the tree branches that violated that woman in Evil Dead. At first I thought this might be a case of a subliminal desire to make like certain dead celebrities' forays into auto erotic aphyxiation, but then I realized that in fact, Apple wants to murder me. This is their ultimate goal. I'm not sure if that giant corporation has decided to murder me and only me, but I've become quite suspicious lately. In fact, just yesterday I had enquired about upgrading my phone, and for it they wanted $1,000.

I declined, which explains everything.