October 2, 2015

Apple Wants To Murder Me

Aside from partaking in necessary adult activities like paying my mortgage and attending neighbourhood association meetings, I very much consider myself a big kid, which I believe keeps me youthful. There are, however,  perhaps less desirable characteristics of this attitude towards life. Fortunately I'm not referring to my chronic use of a soother - I do that for completely different reasons.

I'm talking about bedtime stories.

When retiring for the evening, I often find that my mind is racing, focused on the hullaballoo of the work day. This makes it difficult to get to sleep. So, what I do is go out to the streets and bring in elderly homeless people to read to me in bed. Well, I'm in bed..they're just sitting on the bed. They're nude, but they're not under the covers or anything.
Some lonely person spent a lot of time
on this in photoshop.

But sometimes, the local hobos can't be found - perhaps they're off to some low-level caper. In these instances I have to resort to entertaining myself to help me sleep. Thus, I will often throw in the earbuds and listen to old-timey radio shows or podcasts, and I eventually fall asleep. Therein lies the problem.

When I wake up either to go to the bathroom or start the day, I find myself partially strangulated by my iPhone's earbud wires. Being unconscious and twisting and turning throughout the night, the wires will do their wicked deed and creep around my neck, much like the tree branches that violated that woman in Evil Dead. At first I thought this might be a case of a subliminal desire to make like certain dead celebrities' forays into auto erotic aphyxiation, but then I realized that in fact, Apple wants to murder me. This is their ultimate goal. I'm not sure if that giant corporation has decided to murder me and only me, but I've become quite suspicious lately. In fact, just yesterday I had enquired about upgrading my phone, and for it they wanted $1,000.

I declined, which explains everything.

1 comment:

  1. I do the same kind of thing most nights. I once woke up with the earphone in my mouth a little. It's not pleasant waking up to the taste of plastic and earwax.